Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
