i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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