Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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