His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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