That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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