My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
