I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
