Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
