My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I supernannyed him into submission
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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