tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He has the fingertips of a God
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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