turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
