she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
