I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
