well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
