Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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