I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
