No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
