Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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