I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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