I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
