go do what you do best...puke behind churches
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
