Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
