dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize