i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
