We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
