she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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