Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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