By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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