I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
