textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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