i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
