so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
