Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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