I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
