I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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