There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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