I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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