I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
