it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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