dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm too high and old for this...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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