these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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