The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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