That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
