I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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