i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
