I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize