I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
