i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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