why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
