It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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