she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
