remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
