I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
