But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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