he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
