i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He shit in the fireplace
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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